Mike the Great

 First off, I loved Goldeneye for the 64, simply because it was awesome. No other word can describe it. The depth of the single player and the revolutionary introduction of split screen, well balanced, multi player first person shooter action blew my 8 year old mind. Countless hours spent in front of my 18” samsung flew by, as I insisted that any friends that came over get pwned by my unstoppable thumb action. Gorgeous… just Gorgeous.

 Alas… along comes the stupid, god forsaken W. “hey, lets take away everything any one, including dopey half minded rejects, know how to use… the standard controller. Ive got a better Asian idea, lets replace it with a bootleg light sabre under the false impression using it to play virtual bowling will make Americans think they’re skinnier” (I’m very judgmental BTW ((By The way FYI (((For Your Information))).

 The purpose of the above paragraph was to show you how much dislike I have for my Girlfriends on and off again part time lover, the Wii. This is to contrast the applause I give Goldeneye! Astounding how such a kitchen bound appliance like the Wii can have a top of the line game in my eyes! I sat down last night, put the disk in the stupid glowing slot (that’s what she said), and began my, what i would like to describe as, mind boggling, mind F**king adventure that has probably shaken my life to its core for the rest of my life. I will tell my kids to tell their kids of this journey through the sewers of the gaming world known as Wii to the proverbial holy land… 007.

 I admit, it took me up to around 3 hours to get the slightest control of Mr bonds bodily functions. God forbid this was the real worlld, or every Russian jerk off that stood in my way would have probobly had a mouth full of British ass arse hole in his general face area. After conquering the hurdle that is control, this game wrapped its warm embrace around me and took me to a dark alley where it had its way with me, figuratively of course. Graphics = amazing for being in the white vagina, sorry, Wii. Game play, strangely addicting, relative to that of the CoD franchise, offline and online… that right, online. Sound wise… no one really cares, its still amazing none the less, but on par with any other flatulant excreted from the Wii, although i did enjoy the lack of text reading and the plentiful voice acted scripts this time around.

 All in all, best game that could possibly grace the Wii with its presence… almost too good. Hopefully Nintendo will take a notice of the refinements a masterpiece can take on such a shit box. Loved it, not as much as the first, but for the second coming of FPS Jesus, Goldeneye gets a firm double fisted thumbs up from me, not that any one cares, but there you have it!

9/10